So I have been 100% low fat raw vegan for a week now. This is my fourth day on banana island. I am eating JUST bananas. Yes they are ripe. I am eating 21 bananas a day. I am 6″1, weight is about 155lbs or 70kg. So that’s a little over 2000 cals. I just can’t eat anymore… I know, my stomach is not used to it. I’ll try to eat more… I have tried to do a little exercise everyday (except yesterday besides a little walk outside). I went to a sunbed on tuesday to get some vitamin D. I have been sleeping/resting sufficiently. Anyways, I am enjoying the diet. I like my bananas 😀 I’ve been having them 50/50 blended as a smoothie or chewable.
But starting on monday my mood and mental state has seemed to be deteriorating with increasing speed and intensity. I have lashed out at some people close to me and yesterday I wrote on my blog quite a furious but quite honest post and I just have all this anger inside and i’m depressed and I feel just like I felt sometimes after drinking and eating crap for too long. This is the reason why I went 100% raw last week because I was tired of feeling so horrible. But now I feel even more horrible. What the hell is happening to me? Is this some emotional detox? Am I lacking in some very essential nutrient? Omega 3? Vitamin d?
I dunno, maybe it’s not even the diet. Maybe it’s just my current situation that’s causing me to feel so stressed. Maybe the diet is just helping to bring it all out. Where am I in life? what do I want? Who am I? what should I really do? I have options, of COURSE I have options.
I know that last night’s sleep was restless and I went to sleep feeling like shit and woke up feeling like shit. Then I started reading this book called “Conversations With God” (I have been trying to remain open lately to some idea of god and I liked the movie…) but after a few pages I threw it in the “sell these books” pile like most books I have started this week. Oh yeah, that’s another thing, my concentration is in the gutter. I feel like I have ADHD and I just can’t really do anything. I’m starting to think that this “god” thing is just really not my thing…maybe I’m just lacking the god gene or something. whatever. I tried. I prefer to stick to my science and philosophy.
oh and I had a blood test done on monday and everything was in between the ideal parameters except my HDL levels were below the recommended. My HDL was 0.96 and it should be over 1. So I need more fat? But then again I had just started 100% only 3 days prior. Before that I was vegan for a month on grains, oils, pasta… but no sugar or white flour. Lots of salt and herbs, etc. The previous month I had quit meat, milk, alcohol and any other drugs. But even during the last month I was eating maybe 70% lfrv. It could’ve been much worse.
I also had this problem in my heart last night which happened a few weeks ago also and it’s happened many years ago. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I could only take short breaths and it lasted for almost an hour. I was thinking if it could be the low HDL as that is what removes cholesterol from the arteries.
I have nowhere to turn. estranged from society. stuck on banana island. drinking water, eating bananas. should I add something else to the mix? greens? supplements? or is this apart of the trip?
lonely. tired. depressed. cold (yeah, that too). stressed. sad. angry. low energy. lethargic. negative.
now I know how a junkie must feel when coming off heavy drugs. this is hell. addicted? oh yeah… I think it’s the grains, the salt, and the fat. Alcohol and all that crap I have no trouble giving up or even staying away from. the problem is that one thing leads to another for me: grains –> fat, salt –> meat –> milk –> alcohol –> junk food –> anything to numb me –> self-destruction cycle. I know the path. I’ve been down it many times. EVERYTIME. not anymore. Next time I go, i’m afraid I won’t be able to come back anymore because I go further everytime. It’s all or nothing for me. Health or sick. No in between. Love or hate. heaven or hell.
i also feel a bit ashamed because i had been in such high spirits before monday and I’ve even been inspiring and helping people which now I’m probably not 🙁
I don’t want to give up and go back to my old ways. Last time I did that I fell off the wagon for many months. I don’t want to do that again. This time I will at least ask for help and guidance from the outside and not think I can always do it myself.
