5 hours of sleep, but woke up with a rush of traffic inside my head. For some reason my mind just feels really unbalanced, and I have no idea what direction I must go to get myself centered again. I hoped sleep would help. It didn’t.
I’m trying not to judge my moods too much or assume that I should feel this or that way. Of course this is impossible; an insurmountable task and all the books and therapies or even medicines/drugs cannot help this except temporarily ease some confusion (like brushing the rubbish under the carpet).
I’ve sort of manipulated myself into being in this “success” mode recently telling myself to just keep on doing what I’m doing, working hard every day towards my goals (partying here and there but even that has somehow become part of the “work”), keeping my head down, being patient, remaining detached from outcomes, productice, active, etc… if I just keep on doing it, enjoying the process, even enjoying THIS, being fully wherever I am, being fully whoever I am right now, thinking positively, feeling good and energetic, loving life, kicking ass, appreciating what I have, being grateful that I CAN choose what I want to do with my life and not having to have a 2€ day job, staying hungry for the good life so I can taste the glory and taste it now. Mainting this state. Managing myself so I won’t tumble down and succumb to these moods again where nothing makes sense. Unsuccesfully it seems…
What am I really going after? What is it that I ultimately want? What’s the point of all this? I don’t know whether I should go left or right. Forward or backwards. I don’t know where center is. I don’t know where I am, who I am, where I’m going or why I am doing anything. My inner compass is suddenly broken. My telescope is black. My mind is laughing and crying and howling and screaming and has this evil prideful grin saying “hahaa you fucking loser, you think you can control me but you can’t, you can’t you can’t”.
This is the shit I have to deal with. This is where all the hard work leads. This is what happens when distraction flees and reality hits. When there is nowhere left to hide. This is it. This…
Just gotta ride it out I tell myself. Get back on the horse. Even if it means fighting for nothing. I’m still caught in between two worlds, many worlds, many selves… unwilling to fully committ to any of them. Afraid to choose. Unable to see through this fog so I could understand what I’m supposed to do. Like a genuine A-grade coward. Imprisoned in the invisible cage.
This land of chaos is apparently the fertile soil where the artist thrives but I don’t feel like an artist and I have nothing to say nor desire to create anything. Just an inspirationless state of passivity. The truth is, I haven’t really had it for years anymore… There were times when these kind of rants and rambles turned into songs but not anymore. I’ve become an imitation of someone I used to be. Like an actor playing a certain role. Singing the songs I once wrote. Thinking the thoughts I once had. Loving the ones I loved. Losing the ones I lost. Dreaming outdated dreams. Being who they think I am. Keeping the mask on. Upholding the lies. Destined to become a spiritual recluse who could never quite hack it in the modern world. Maybe I’ll even write a book or start a cult or something. Yeah.
Sorry for the ramble. Actually, I’m not.