My whole life I’ve lived with broken people. At some point it starts to rub off on you. I remember as a kid how serious everyone was. Not the good kind of serious where something is being mastered. But the kind where tempers are lost, voices are raised and toxic poisons are overly consumed, abused and used as disguises for ancient curses in the bloodline.
I didn’t want to be like these people. I didn’t want what everyone seemed to want. I had a gift. I felt different. Something was deeply wrong with me but whatever that was, it kind of made me right too. I was broken too. We are all broken and breaking. I guess another word for that is change. Or at least that’s the positive spin.
My brain works in a very scattered and creative way. It’s hard for me to hold on to things whether ideas, people or places. I am always hungry for more. A new song to love. A new person to know. A new book to blow my mind. This works for creating art, oh it works incredibly well. But for everything else in life it’s a real pain in the ass.
So I eventually came to a point where I had had enough. I didn’t even know exactly what I had enough of. Just this constant fucking struggle. I wanted to die or disappear but I didn’t really want to die or disappear. I wanted to live and appear. To be seen. To be recognised. To be free. To be happy.
For 35 years I pounded the pavement of music and chased the rock star dream. The dream was always moving no matter how close I got to it. It was there. RIght there. I could almost touch it. I had it inside. Whatever this thing is. Insanity. Genius. Greatness. I had it in everything I did. All the mistakes I made. All the people I hurt. All the envy I felt towards heroes turned peers and then surpassed. Envy turned into a quiet bitterness eating at my gut.
I wanted to write this damn thing for so long. Now after all this adventure and agony, it is coming out. Something is flowing here. I know it when it’s there because there’s this calmness that comes when you get in the flow. I’ve learned the ways. I know how this works.
You let it take you when it wants what it is after. That’s the only way. You go where it leads. You feel the power of this mysterious force that is reaching for something. New worlds being created. You are at the dawn of a new age. You never know when the next moment to shine will come so you just surrender to what is possible.
All this living has taught me to so much. It’s the only way to really learn anything.
NEXT CHAPTER…
The biggest thing I’ve learned is that moments are never real.