I’m really struggling with all of this. Living on welfare because I refuse to work. Always excited at first when i get into my health psychosis. Reading health/truth books like a madman for months/weeks. But then i burn myself out hard and go back to bingeing on junk and all the negative hate, anger, comparison, feeling like a complete failure etc etc. So many issues. Money, energy, health. All of it. Since covid, i lost all my friends because I spoke out while they bent over. Then got into flat earth and all this “crazy” shit. Even my crazy friends called me crazy. These are all stories I tell myself to feel special. And so the mind games continue.
And then eventually i get to the burn out phase, nothing means anything anymore. I start to doubt and hate even the ones who can help me. Seems to be a neverending loop of hell. I get kicked out of communities because I question their leaders. Then i eat/drink/smoke crap for many days/weeks/months to punish myself (pleasure trap?) and start lashing out at friends family… empathy levels go down more and more. And that just makes things worse because I no longer care about anyone else either. And it seems i want others to know that. I want them to know how much pain I am in.
I start seeing my own hate and anger and hurt projected at the external world. Especially on social media. I realise i dont even want my dreams. I hate all these celeb fake fucks but i am the one looking at them, wanting what they have, their movies, music, books, courses, etc. I only follow celebs because they are the gods of the modern world. I want to be apart of their clubs so why the hate? That is when i really start sabotaging shit. Whether its my own projects (also musician). Every thought becomes a contradiction with myself. Every sense/feeling feels like war. That is when things get really interesting. The war rages on and makes me feel alive. I glorify it in the name of art.
I basically tell the whole world to fuck off and i want their hate, not their love. I want them to feel what i feel. Burn it all to hell i say in that state (kind of in that mode now but trying real hard to not hate my hate with more hate because fear is the fear of fear). I am batman and joker. God and satan. I want the whole world or nothing. I start fantasizing about being King of the Cosmos and how I can make everyone disappear. But eventually they see that nobody really gives a fuck. They have their own problems to deal with. I am just a grown man acting like a child. And for someone who no longer really believes in food, water, sleep and all the things we are talking about here… why believe in anything else either like money, trust, goodness… It’s all just part of the dream world.
So here i am. Once again… at the crossroads. Go back to my old ways and do what i have always kept doing or try but it never works. I am in Limbo/bardo because all those people living permanently in the dungeon paradise no longer trust this madman. At best get fucked up for months and then maybe find another kumbaya ego trip or guru with fresh answers for my problems.
Or…. try something new? I just dont know what that is anymore (shut up you liar, you DO KNOW). Body in intense panic/anxiety/fear mode right now. Suicidal. But even that word is a game i play with myself. I am too much of a coward for suicide. I am still stuck in “what would they think” snowflake mode regarding all this. And honestly yes i am fucking hurt that nobody cares about truth and make me feel like a piece of shit. And i am the one that doesnt care? Fuck man i was born caring more than all you can even imagine. Why do you think i am doing all this? I care so much i wanna save the god damned world. I am willing to sacrifice everything for it. And you tell me I DONT CARE???? Fuck man, if that is how everyone sees me why even bother with this life anymore.
Higher me: You are on the path my friend. Keep going. Drop the addictions slowly. Just gently let go. Doesn’t have to be everyting at once. Enjoy the process of letting go. One. By One. You will see that you are okay even without all this stuff. The mind and body will rebel as you purify and things start circulating and eventually eliminating. This is a challenge but it’s all part of the fun. Social media is just a public gathering place. The famous people are celebrated mostly for their looks, some have talent. Admire it all. It’s all part of the great perfection. Surrender to the great ocean of mercy. Drown.
Regards,
Markus (meta-selves)