i have a problem with drugs and alcohol
and not just the obvious ones
i turn everything and everyone into a drug
i get addicted and attached
then i suffocate and burn bridges
and disappear in shame and confusion
delete everything
abandon projects
social media, messenger apps, phone numbers
you will not find me for months
sometimes years
and when i reappear
i am someone else
you are in love with a ghost
when i am sober and around people
i feel extremely uncomfortable
full of anxiety and fear
that i will say the wrong thing
or not get the joke
or fail at something
and everyone will laugh at me
and i won’t know what to do
how to sit, how to hold babies
how to cut veggies, how to open
champagne bottles or do manly things
like fix or build and handyman stuff
even jesus was a carpenter
so god damn self-conscious and sensitive
it hurts
i don’t enjoy it
so i learned how to be alone
i am happiest alone
or on drugs
because they make me feel normal
or maybe i think this must be
how everyone feels all the time
i dont fucking know
i pretend i do
with the fancy photos and songs
showing you what i can do
impressing you to get love or approval
that i felt i NEVER got from anyone
not once in my whole life
ever since i can remember
always felt something is wrong with me
i am not like anyone i have ever met
nor do i wanna be
because i am a genius madman
the wounded healer
i have been to places
seen things that would make
your worst nightmares seem like
toy story
so i started hiding early
found songs like imagine and bohemian rhapsody
and alice cooper’s poison
and metallica’s one and all their 80s stuff
stairway to heaven, wonderwall
those songs became my sanctuaries
and i played guitar and had a drum machine
wrote lyrics, made my own songs
read music magazines after coming home from school
i hated school
i just wanted to be alone with my albums
and music books and sometimes on weekends
wander around with friends
smoking cigarettes and drinking cheap beer
i grew my hair and got into metal
but then this girl in high school
Shakti appears… (the beauty goddess divine)
i wasn’t cool
i cut my hair for her
wrote a letter for her
wrote a song for her and gave her a cd
that was covered in roses
but she didn’t want me
because i was not alpha bad boy stud
i was just a sensitive boy
skinny and insecure
later i learned how to cover that all up
the escape artist
hiding in the spotlight
i have lived this way my whole life
it is exhausting
but kind of exciting too
i am the greatest actor on earth
i can make you think i sound or look happy
even when i am dying inside
luckily i have great friends
who i can share with
who also struggle
and i believe there is some deeper being
that we are all apart of
it is here, there and everywhere
i have always known this
not phd knowledge
that is worthless
all science and university stuff is complete garbage
technology rapes the earth
city rivers are sewers
shopping mall temples full of waste
for the slaves
who buy it to feel sane
work all day for someone else
for whom you are nothing
sometimes i meet someone
who is on another level
or is ready for more
something deeper and higher
the shakti…
the glow…
can feel the bloodflow
she dances for me
her eyes like waterfall kisses
i go home in a taxi
thinking about how i would
give it all up for her
but then i turn her
into a drug
and i know that all the addictions
are a plead for the beloved
come to me
surrender to me
take me
all this modern city shit
is a complete fucking waste of time
then again,
who am i to question
how she appears
a great master told me today
turn your addictions into art
and i thought
art is the greatest drug of all
“master of puppets i’m pulling your strings
twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
blinded by me you can’t see a thing
just call my name and i’ll hear you scream”
is love a drug?
Drug = any chemical substance that affects the functioning of living things and the organisms (such as bacteria, fungi, and viruses) that infect them.
Chemistry = Chemistry is the branch of science that deals with the properties, composition, and structure of elements and compounds, how they can change, and the energy that is released or absorbed when they change.
Life = Life is defined as any system capable of performing functions such as eating, metabolizing, excreting, breathing, moving, growing, reproducing, and responding to external stimuli.
“None are more hopelessly enslaved
than those who falsely believe
they are free.”
see ya around
M