the truth is
everyone i used to know
friends, family, lovers, etc
are no longer here in this
current version of me
the story changed at some point
used to want to be this rock star guy
all i knew was music and fame
that is what i grew up with
the person i wanted to become
then i read the god delusion by dawkins
before that there were other warning signs
that the world is not as it might appear
child starvation charity ads on oscar night
brief glimpses into the nothingness of suffering
drunk relatives acting aggressively at weddings
that kind of stuff
like that milli second movie theatre cock in fight club
distortions in the matrix
eventually i put things together
realized that this is all a scam
lies built upon lies
making us feel small and powerless
false bravado after a few drinks on weekends
to impress girls and get laid and start loveless families
all this poison and despair started to find its way
into the material
into my work as an artist
the sacred songs of my youth
moments of awakening erupting in unexpected places
on stage and during holiday family gatherings
meeting her parents
just this intense feeling of death in body
i cannot live like this i thought
met guides and gurus who empowered me to see
how i am creating all of this anger
living in a world that is not as i thought it was
this is not aladdin or van damme hollywood tits and violence
this is not häkkinen getting his first win or dinosaurs on lsd walls
new babies were being born in my brain
they grew up into warlords and saints
it began to rain in my how are you emails from fellow dreamers
ate abandoned leftovers in burger king because i was broke and hungry
drifting through european hostels and midnight buses
doing sun salutations on rooftops with damn seagulls laughing
restless summers rushing into white eyes in foreheads opening heart chakras
you load the shopping cart
pay for your shit
push it out and just walk home
skip the car and try to look crazy
junkies rob you blind on dublin streets while playing wonderwall for drunk idiots
have sex with swedish clothing store managerswith supermodel eyes in home party locked bathrooms
finally have a place
where i can suffer in piece
contemplate all the things on my mind
but still i go online
to kill the pain
look for others and see how they deal with it all
the truth is
this is all part of the job
someone has to do this dark dirty work
write the songs and poems
live the lives of movie antiheroes and novel protaganists
you let go enough
and it all comes back to you
the truth is
hearts hurt flying free
like u2 in one