I’m an addict.

I was sitting in the sauna this evening. Thinking about my addictions. And how the year has started so far. It is going pretty well. Something has changed. The way I talk to myself. It’s more positive. I give less of a fuck about trivial things. I’m more compassionate towards others. 

But I still got this addicted brain and body. I’ve kind of been bingeing on food. I quit alcohol over a month ago. Never really was much of a smoker but occasionally I would smoke a pack or two. But I haven’t for over a year now. And I don’t really like other drugs besides psychedelics. 

Food is the big problem for me. And sex but at least sex is somewhat manageable with free porn these days. It saves all the hassle of having a girlfriend which is something I don’t have time or energy for right now. I also drink coffee every morning but I love it and don’t see it as a problem. It’s only a problem when I don’t drink it. 

I think next month I will quit sugar and see how that goes for a month. I have experimented with diets for over 10 years now. Haven’t really found anything that works for me besides just eating everything. I don’t want to get fat though so have to watch my weight. If I eat too much shit I start gathering some belly fat. I want to become muscular without belly fat. 

I get high on food and porn. It’s an emotional thing. I feel this emptiness and I don’t trust myself to deal with it on it’s own. I’ve tried that before and it has brought me to terrible places where I am completely overwhelmed and paralysed and then I am drinking again and making stupid choices regarding travel, relationships, career, etc. Eventually I just want to destroy everything. Not good.

Just gotta be patient. Build the empire. Step by step. Not too much at once. 

I put a frozen pizza in the oven. I bought 3 litres of coca cola and 3 litres of ice cream and a whole bunch of other shit. But I’ve been training hard at the gym three times per week. 

I could do better. Work more on my coaching business. I’ve been doing it every morning. I wake up when I’m not tired. Usually 8-9am. And then I focus on this coaching course I am taking until about 12-13. Then I do my piano training, vocal training and read. 

Now it’s evening. Gonna eat my pizza and watch Vikings. I usually practise guitar motor skills while watching tv shows, movies, youtube and Formula 1 racing when the season is going.

I am pacing myself for greatness. 

I’ll deal with the emptiness when I have the resources (inner and outer) to really go deep into the void. There is a world of hell waiting for me and I know that eventually I will have to just man up and do what is required. Let go of all this bullshit and swim with the demons.

Not ready yet. I still have my sanity. I still have something. My ego wants more. Lamborghini. Designer suits. Luxury. Supermodels. I don’t it won’t make me happy but I have to do it to really know. I don’t wanna just be the guy talking about shit he hasn’t done.

This is my way. 

For now.