I’m an inventor. Do you know what my great invention is? Problems. That’s right, I invent problems out of thin air. Problems that don’t even really exist (in my own life). I’m so good at it. I can find them in the most unexpected places. I want everything to be perfect. Yes, I’m an idealist and I want the whole world to be a ‘better’ place for everyone because I know that when more people are happy and healthy, it’s good for everyone else also including me. There is then less (or no) incentive for crime and disease and poverty and war and violence, which comes out of scarcity. The world becomes a safer place. People want to do more good. Create art. Push boundaries in science. Unite. All that negative shit is a symptom of a society where needs are not being met equally. BUT… I am not motivated by my idealism, I am motivated by my own selfish needs. It’s very hard for me to enjoy the continuity of life. I get stuck in moments. I get trapped in them. I am my own society. I commit crimes against myself, lie to myself, my thoughts are violent and there is a war inside my heart and soul. I am poor at spirit and this is ultimately the anatomy of my dis-ease. I’m full of love and potential. I got the tools to go out and kick some ass and be an inspiration; a light; a role model. I got the lottery ticket in my pocket but I’m afraid to cash it in. I want to hide. In the spotlight. I want to feel good. I want to be happy. Successful. Inner peace. Feel the beauty and energy around me that enables me to be free and fed. I know I am loved and people believe in me. But are even those selfish needs of mine being met? My emotional needs? My physical needs? My mental/intellectual needs? My spiritual needs? My creative needs? Financial needs? There is some great imbalances to be found here for sure. I’m glad I wrote this because it’s now helped me realise this. Writing is like that for me. I suck at other forms of communication, I really do. I shall do a full moral inventory of my life. Open my eyes. Listen to the sounds of life. Feel the vibes. Taste my food. Not listen to all that bullshit in my head. Invent solutions, instead of problems. Time to eat some porridge. Over and out.
Yours truly
– Captain Markus
