it’s almost 2 a.m.
have to get up at 7 because i’ve promised to take part in this salibandy tournament (it’s like floor hockey) which starts in the morning. It’s so not me or my thing right now but it means something to the guys who wanted me on their team so I will do it for them.
I have a horrible hangover. I’ve been drinking non-stop since coming home on monday evening. but i stopped when the year turned to 2010. but i did this on purpose. i don’t know…one last binge. famous words of the alcoholic or junkie or whatever i am. insane. or maybe sane among the insane… i’m a god damn genius and the world has never been ready for me. i’m going to change things. it’s just that the selfish, no compromises route which i have decided to take is not the easy road. i want to give the world my expression of beauty. it is my gift to the world. but it just seems like the world doesn’t give a fuck about my gift. it’s just laying there under the christmas tree, wrapped beautifully. maybe i wrapped it too tight? i don’t know. a friend once said that thinking like this makes me look ugly. agreed but honesty is also beautiful if you learn how to recognize beauty and truth. the cruelty of beauty, you know? go live in the wild. without your comforts.without toilet paper, central heating, grocery stores, friends, clothes, weapons, iphones, eyeliner. that’s real beauty.
yes there are some rules and guidelines and goals and we have morals so it’s not all anarchy as i wrote in yesterday’s post. other than sleeping of course.
now my hands are shaking and one moment i feel really calm and serene and content and excited
the next moment i feel like hell, like i want to die, like everything is too heavy, like the world is on fire, just horrible
it’s never been this bad
i want to stop drinking, it’s a horrible drug. the world would be a much better place without it.
it makes me turn into someone i don’t want to be at all.
yesterday we almost got into a fight with peter over this girl who they were talking badly about and i was defending her
i lost my cool and pushed him and he slipped and fell and lost his cool
tried to throw a punch at me but missed and we were ready to fight
i threw my hat and gloves off and he was ready too
but then dave’s girlfriend came in between
and i decided to not fight and apologized
me and peter than walked home
this was probably 8am
we talked about it
and realized how frightening the situation was
but we are better friends for it
i’m glad nothing happened
haven’t heard from the girl
i was making out with her in the hallways of Elias’ apartment who thought that our near fight was cool.
sometimes i really think twice about who my friends are. well, they are people. we all have our problems right?
i wish they would all come on my path with me and we could find a new way to live. no that’s unfair. this is not about them but about me. nobody is to blame. we are masters of our own realities. the choices we make belong to us and we make them constantly. everything is about choices. that is the greatest thing we have. that is freedom. we have it every moment, if we want to. i don’t think most people want freedom. it’s too scary.
she had been stalking me all night.
i have never been in a fight in my entire life.
nor have i ever hit anybody.
i’ve been punched in the face once in helsinki when i was drunk and called some stranger something he didn’t like being called.
i’ve wrestled with some bouncers or well actually laughed while they wrestled me. but this was when I was younger many years ago.
in grade 2 this indian kid (well, native american) kicked me in the balls and stole my chocolate bar. but then the guy who was into my sister beat him up because he was a few years older and nobody messed with me anymore. haha.
crazy stuff.
i hate violence and guns and war. i think it’s despicable
i need to go to an aa meeting
i’ve tried it a few times
I like it because it’s free
and you can just sit and listen if you want
it always made me feel good afterwards although i’ve never talked
i’m too scared to talk there
sometimes i think that they should all just not take things so seriously
but people aren’t always so intelligent you know
our hardwiring can get very screwed up
it’s this society that creates all this misery
and some people – the sensitive – ones can’t handle it
we need to escape
but we are the ones who change the world
who push the envelope
who invent wheels
and airplanes
and rock guitar solos
and evolving flowers
and nature
but it’s never worked out
maybe they can help
i don’t know if anybody can
(until I let them)
i’m messed up
but that’s who I am
i just want to find inner peace
this year
i need to be in complete control over myself
i know what i need to do
and then the whole thing with June
it’s all messed up also
everything is
but it’s a good place to begin
that’s why i did this
i wanted to go to the bottom
things are more clearer here
i think it will take a few days for me to get over this thing
on monday
i can start my new regimen
so yeah this blog is going to be quite hardcore
if you don’t know me well
you will
if you think you knew me
you didn’t
i’ve never taken anti depressants or downers or been to a shrink or therapist or psychoanalyst, psychiatrist, physchologist or whatever they are called. i always cancel and i can’t afford the ones where you don’t have to wait forever to get an appointment. free health care. ha!
i’m going to lay in darkness under my covers now and just try to handle this shit.
sorry for the depressing post
happiness is around the corner
but i always keep on walking past it.
the spiritual phase of my life has now begun.
sometimes i feel like the reincarnation of buddha or jesus or kurt cobain or some poor animal in the wild