I am sitting here somewhere drinking beer & red wine. My back aches somewhere I can’t reach. I feel this strange dullness in my soul. I am more estranged than ever from everything. I should really be getting ready to hit the road again. Preparing. That’s what I should be doing.
But I do feel alive, very much alive. Inspired. Too much. Why couldn’t I just be an ant or something?
It’s Saturday night. Most people are probably watching tv with their friends. I abandoned all my friends and the woman I love. And I always hated watching tv. I had to do it. Life had me by the throat but I squirmed my way loose. For awhile I felt like I was one step closer to freedom. Let me tell you something, this freedom we are so quick to cherish comes with a price. Freedom can be very scary and cruel. It’s alright if you can handle that. I don’t think I can. I want to be a slave again. A slave to society, to love, to substances, to stimulation and everything else that comes with the modern lifestyle. But all this fearless loneliness did enable me to record my second album, which I have been doing for the past 6 months and which is now finished.
(Note to reader: a month in my life = twenty years of reality. Or so it feels.)
I’m going for a walk now in the cold, cold rain. My thick hoody and my burning thoughts shall keep me warm.
My goal is to have life by its throat. Or did I just define death?