been horribly depressed and anxious for the last few days with heavy mood swings contrasting from light to grey to bright sunshine to very dark. i knew that something must change and i knew what that change was but like all change, it resists with the might of an army of madmen.
but i persisted and braved through the shitstorm like the sex god warrior i am and made the change and decided to finally scrap my ever-faltering music career. or at least put it on hold. it’s a big decision indeed but one i needed to make.
the truth is, although there have been some good moments here and there, all that it has brought me is misery. enough is enough. my music career failed. i just wasn’t either a) good enough or b) willing to play the game. maybe both but honestly i think more the latter. i sabotaged all the opportunities i had. why? because i don’t really like people. especially when they are dumb and fat.
for a long time i thought i was ready to do it and kept on doing it and even romanticized my struggle and told myself that eventually i will get there and make it and take home the glory. whatever. now it’s too late because quite frankly, the music business (indie or not) and pop culture in general makes me vomit when i even think about it. there’s no glory in any of it, no matter how successful one becomes. it’s all a big pile of waste. i don’t want to have anything to do with it.
music is also an artform that demands way too much practice and patience and reliance on techqique & technology not to mention carrying around the equipment. no more. no thanks. i’ve had enough. simple as that. so i put the gear away, guitars in their cases, backed up my stuff on a hard-drive, inventoried my sales, now it’s all put to rest. finally. and you know what? i feel relieved. i feel good. great even. it’s been a long time coming.
next month i move to tallinn, estonia where i begin my university studies. it’s a new life for me. a new beginning. new people. new experiences. a new identity. everything changes. i am really excited to go there and start all over. nobody needs to know of my past. not even the music. they don’t need to know anything. i can fabricate a new story. i can be anybody i want to be in the past.
the only reason i might be tempted to go back to music is because i need a way to express myself. i am an artist (whatever that means). but i think it’s time to be what i know i have really always been deep down inside. to embrace it. to start it! the simplest artform yet by no means the easiest and perhaps the most brutal and demanding art-form; writing. although i do not fool myself for even a moment that i can rid myself of my burdens in the long run, especially if i am not willing to give up art. upon further introspection, maybe music was never my thing, maybe i was never as good at it as i thought.
or maybe my songs will haunt me in my dreams.