Jul 28, 2013

I’m in such a strange mood tonight. Not necessarily bad. Nor good. It’s like there’s this beast inside me that wants to break free and I’m on the verge of something beyond comprehension. Lady gaga called it edge of glory which is not far from accurate. It’s a great song (I don’t like any of her other songs) with a beautiful sax solo. I know that I can never ever go back to living a ‘normal’ lifestyle or conforming to society. I am so close to just letting go and shattering all my pre-conceived concepts of what everything is, what I believe in and who I consider myself to be. It’s like there’s nothing holding me back anymore. But there is. There is still this… fear. Of I dunno, this fear of not having a million facebook friends and thus not feeling accepted. I met someone. Well actually I’ve known her for awhile now. But it’s like she gets me. Or even better, she admits that she doesn’t have a fucking clue who I am. It’s like we have known each other since the first humans existed. Or maybe longer. There’s this connection. I have never been so honest with anyone. Nobody has ever made me as honest as she makes me. I don’t even care if she’s with some other guy and this kind of makes me feel guilty that we are beyond caring about this petty little stuff because what we have is so much deeper. Besides, for a long time now I’ve sort of stopped believing in this “traditional” relationship between two people. I have never seen anything worthy of envy when it comes to couples whether it’s friends, relatives, my parents, young, old, etc. On the contrary, I feel anxiety when I see how much suffocation love causes. It makes me want to run away fast. This is why I am nor will I probably ever be much of a family man. It’s like I just don’t understand even the concept of ‘family’. These things are so important for people. Spending time with their family. Finding someone special to live happily ever after with. Not for me. I feel like an orphan. Every moment can be special. There’s too much to experience to waste our lives stuck in some bullshit marriage having to compromise our values and choices for some other person. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. It’s frustrating having conversations about this with people because nobody seems willing to even consider the possibility that maybe—just fucking MAYBE—they are wrong about everything and there’s no truth to anything. Maybe there is no such thing as truth. Everything is natural. Every lie or piece of plastic or suicide or poisonous snake or sad serial killer or rape victim or one hit wonder or rotting banana or celebrity sex tape or broken condom is just as real and normal and free and honest and wrong and powerful and holy and fucked up and serious as anything else. Tonight: watching a movie, drinking coke, writing this, abandoning all my thoughts above, listening to some really good songs later incredibly loud, probably wasting a moment here or there dealing with this mountain in my soul, observing the hum of life, and reflecting on modernity. I wish I had servants and personal assistants to help manage my life. I just can’t seem to hack it out. I spend all my money. I scream doors songs on the street. I drink on the weekends too much but never enough. All I want to do is write, make music, watch movie, listen to books, explore reality, have sex with a million beautiful women, smoke cigarettes to fuck up my voice, and my favorite; drink wine and talk about our philosophies concerning everything and finding where I’m wrong and why I feel so much self-hatred for thinking I’m right. I want to throw up in the face of hope. I don’t care anymore if you are disappointed that I do not fit your fucking ideals. I am not a permanent entity. I change constantly. I am growing into a universe of possibilities. I hate camping and festivals or leaving cities and I don’t like the way I feel when I’m in finland because I feel like a failure there and I can’t express myself with the finnish language. I am happy and insane and miserable and the smartest idiot you will ever find. I don’t want to learn how to cook nor do I want to dress like a surfer boy just because it looks cool and the shirts are cheap in h&m. I condemn modern society and loathe trends and fashion and can’t stand hollywood blockbuster movies nor do like to be around people if I am not drunk or high or in desperate need of something unless it’s for business reasons. I do respect a few people in this world who are helping me and believe in me and understand all this bullshit around us. I don’t believe in world peace. The only inner peace is when I close my eyes and breathe. Pain is inevitable. Sorrow is coming for you. I’m growing a beard and embracing this. I love my life. I am more of a slave and a hypocrite then anyone will ever be. I am a professional slave and a master hypocrite. I’m a sleazy snake who makes people do things they would never do otherwise. When I look into the mirror, I see a stranger. Merry christmas. Good night.