sitting in my new home. got my legs straight (crossed) with the laptop lying on my lap and me akwardly leaning against the wall. i feel a bit twitchy. i can’t seem to find the right position to sit in. i am drinking orange, grape, mandarin juice i am listening to the adagietto part of mahler’s 5th symphony which is in my opinion one of the greatest pieces of music ever written. it is grand, beautiful, majestic, frightening. it is a true masterpiece. the melodies go deep. deeper than deep. they go somewhere in me that cannot be got to easily. there was once a girl i knew who could get there. it is one my greatest regrets that she is not here in my life anymore. but i have to live with it. i messed up. and i let her mess me up. and took her messing up by messing it all up. but i had to mess up. love has to be lost to understand it’s true meaning. that is the only way to truly understand. a space has to be carved into our hearts, our minds, our souls. and then the space has to be cleared and cleansed. but the space is there. it is empty. it feels like only she could fill that place. but mahler fills it. friendship fills it. deep human connection fills it. intimacy fills it. my creative channeling of music of words of art can fill it. it can be filled constantly, it can be full of life of love every moment if i simply allow myself. my goal in this life (this crazy, crazy life) is to get that thing going on auto-pilot like breathing. always be in love. not with a person or with a place or even myself. just be. in. love. in love with life. doesn’t mean it’s all roses and sunshine. roses die. sunshine goes dark so the night can come and wash away the days dust. darkness. light. storms. climbing trees. falling down and breaking bones. it’s all apart of the great carnival. that’s what mahler knew. that’s what the music means. to me.
tomorrow i’m hopping on a train in the morning and moving into my new apartment in helsinki. today i drove down there and back to take my stuff but since i had to return the car, i had to come back for the night. so most of today has been spent in a car. on the way there i listened to hank williams and on the way back i listened to bruce springsteen. current favorite hank song is move it on over which just puts a smile to my face especially the chromatic lick in the guitar solo. my favorite springsteen song right now is either the river or badlands.
until this afternoon i had no furniture but i went to the recycle center where i bought 2 couches, some chairs, a table and all this for just 200€. not bad. but i don’t get them until monday so i’ll just have to sleep on the floor unless i find myself somewhere else since i am planning to have an “adventurous” weekend starting tomorrow on the restaurant cart of the train.
winter is coming on. i don’t mind winter. i just don’t really like snow. i like it when it is snowing but i wish it would just disappear and melt right away. well it does if it’s not cold. snow is so lazy. it just sits there and pretends like it can just do nothing and everybody will do everything for it. then it just goes away without saying goodbye. wait a minute, did i accidentally talk about myself by using the word snow? hmmm…
oh yeah and i also plan to start recording again on monday. i actually started recording an album in april but kind of shelved it because this current album had to be made. so now i will continue that project. it’s called 27…
i want to start some new hobbies in helsinki. maybe boxing? i’ve never been in a fight. how cool is that. lots of my friends spent their whole childhood fighting and getting into trouble. i was a good little boy. this new place i am moving into is also the 14th address for me so far in my life. good little boy + unrooted = restless rebel. that’s me.
oh and it’s halloween again. i actually like halloween. christmas, birthdays, easter, thanksgiving i could happily skip each year because i really think those days are all … well, how could i put it nicely? bullshit. but not halloween. on halloween we actually do the opposite and admit that life is one big costume party. why people buy all these silly costumes i don’t really get. yeah, it’s fun… how about we all take off the masks for one day of the year? although i must admit, i am still hunting for that mouse costume. the mighty markus mouse is yet to appear…
well coltrane has just ripped into a solo that is preventing me from being able to write anymore. sorry.