Oddly enough, my life doesn’t really change because I rarely go anywhere anyways and have been living as a recluse mostly for the last year. Just practising my music skills, writing and reading. Sometimes posting things online and sometimes deleting them when I feel like nobody cares or I want attention or something. I don’t know what I’m doing. Just surviving and holding on.
In the last year I travelled to:
1) sweden (nov 2019) with friends for 5 days (FUN)
2) russia (feb 2020) with a friend for 2 days (FUN)
3) lapland (march 2020) for a girl for 8 days (DISASTER)
If you feel like you are going crazy from staying home, message me, I can help. I am a MASTER at staying home.
But this pandemic thing does put my own “teenage love” issues into perspective. Yeah, i got issues. I get fixated on things. People. Places. Songs. It’s a curse and a gift. I don’t like superficial “hookup” culture. I like viking romance braveheart ALL IN culture. I am open for full range human emotion whatever it brings.
It’s too much for most people, I get it. They just want something simple. Someone to go to the cinema with. Hang out now and then. Have sex. Go for walks. Explore options. Keep things open. Especially in the beginning. Nothing serious. I don’t mind any of that. But if I really like someone, it consumes me and it takes over my creative force so all my songs and poetry and thoughts become about her and us and things get a little crazy. Even before we actually meet I am already way ahead and lost in hers.
I cannot be who you want me to be.
Girls are so independent these days. They don’t even need men anymore except for sex.
Yeah i know I am wrong but that’s what it feels like right now.
I wanna go back to the old days when it was just one partner for life no matter what.
Something sacred.
And although most girls think they want a poet or artist, they don’t. It’s thrilling at first. But after awhile it is too dangerous. Too unstable. Too much dirty fantasy. Especially when real life hits and requires practicality. I suck at practicality. I don’t want to be good at it. Cooking, fixing things, building things, driving, moving, packing, jobs, taxes. All that shit. I respect people who can do it. But I don’t want to be that person. I don’t like rules.
I like to do serious things but make it fun and crazy.
Some people think they are like me. And they also don’t like rules. Or they love craziness. I mean just look at the movies that are huge like Joker. People love crazy.
Until they meet an actual crazy person. And especially if they get involved with one intimately.
I am a sick human being. I really am… You would not read anything I write if you knew what was going on in my mind. Just ask my ex girlfriends. They know. Or even my friends. They also know.
Do I take pride in this?
No I don’t.
I want to be normal. Live a happy sane existence. But I can’t. I’ve been like this forever. Since I remember. I have never felt right for this world. Something is wrong with me. I am broken. So I gravitated to art because it allowed me to be crazy and even celebrate it.
I always think I can save someone with my wild ways and ride into the sunset on horseback with her and live in a castle happily ever after. It’s time to wake up Markus, modern people don’t work like that. Grow up. Or remain alone forever and have these 6-12 month romances after which you are left shattered and more broken than ever. And then I really get crazy when the darkness takes over.
Hurt people hurt.
Now i am hurt and she is hurt.
I want to forgive and forget.
I still want her.
I miss her.
She won’t even talk to me anymore. She hates me.
Story of my life.
If you understood the Finnish language, that last sentence is literally true.
If you are reading this honey, i am so fucking sorry.
For not being better for you or making you feel so bad.
But you probably aren’t reading.
Or who knows.
I have friends who tell me don’t give up.
And others who say if you keep doing this, i will lose all respect for you.
I don’t know which one is a sign of strength or weakness or neediness or cool detachment.
This confuses the hell out of me because I am used to just follow the inner calling no matter what!
It allows me to go places others won’t ever get to. But it is probably not a good long term strategy if I want to build things that last. But if I get a melody in my head, I need to get to work on it NOW otherwise it fades away.
Same thing with infatuation for another person. I gotta pursue the feeling otherwise it fades away.
I cannot win this game. Temporary relief at best.
So art becomes a drug. Love even… or God.
I am starting to see this whole “follow the muse” thing as a dark force. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe this is all leading to something and I just have to go through hell to get there.
I also gotta stop dating 22 year old girls.
Too young. They are too inexperienced and confused.
I probably sound like I’m 15.
Thinking about becoming a Mormon… they are so happy.
Writing does help. Before writing this, I felt terrible. Now I feel less terrible. But it wont last long. Soon I will start to feel withdrawal symptoms again like a junkie who needs their fix so their sense of self will survive and for me art is that drug or creativity. Or is it God?
My mom called me the other day “I thought you hate social media and why do you have to write all this personal stuff”.
I hung up on her.
Love,
Markus
PS. I say LOVE because i don’t know anything else. Love and Poetry. That’s all.