I am kind of agitated. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or what. My father has always been a strong authorative figure in my family. I have never been close to him. He is almost a stranger to me. I don’t know him very well but he knows me even less. When I was a child he was not home much and there are not many cherished memories with him. I remember sitting in the backseat of a car, half asleep against the window. The family is in the car and it is dark outside, with cool air brushing in through the driver’s window which is open just barely to suck the just lit cigarette smoke outside. The scent of a just lit match is one of those smells that always takes me back to that car whenever I smell it. Another memory is of him coming home from work and playing with my he-man action figures for a little while with the little energy he had left. Then there are the christmas mornings with all the presents we always got. I would’ve traded all those presents for something else however. I have always seeked a father figure in my life. I have never had it. That is why I am weak and insecure. I have never even been in a fight. I am bad at standing up for myself no matter how much I pretend to when the situation arises. The truth is, I would rather run away with my tail between my legs. I am a wimp. I remember when I was in the army, when I got to be in charge even for a bit for something, I never knew how to handle that and I thought I was suddenly a king who could tell anyone what to do. Luckily I was never an officer. Sure my father is authoritive and a real alpha type character but to me a man who has a short temper and so little control of himself is actually weak in the utmost sense. Most tough guys in this world are very weak. Anyways, before going downstairs for dinner, I heard my father yelling to my 9 year old sister for crying about something that he wasn’t even involved in (a conflict with a friend). I came to the table and told him to shut up and that I will not listen to anybody yelling when I am eating at the table. After that he went quiet and was the first to leave the table. He just wasn’t used to being talked back to like that. I am sick of him treating my family members without respect. He says that he doesn’t want anybody whining or crying and I told him that’s exactly what he was doing. This was not easy to do for me. Afterwards I tried to not show that my hands were shaking while eating my salad (from anger).
I feel so strange these days in my family. I just don’t feel like I belong here. Nobody really knows me. I am still weak but this was good for me. I need to just become stronger and more in touch with my self. People are so weak in Finland. I just can’t be around these people anymore. I have to get out of here. I think i’ll give all my cds to my cousin at least for now. I don’t want to own anything here. I am leaving in 2 weeks and I don’t think I am coming back to Finland for a very long time.
