I feel good today.
It is 1:30pm. I am listening to Thelonious Monk. I feel jazzy. I also had to listen to some MEW because they are such an amazing band.
I ate weetabix mixed with water, banana and raisins. I don’t drink milk anymore. The only animal product i still eat is eggs. Hopefully i will be able to give up that soon also. Oh and i still eat fish.
It has been racking my brain lately what I should do with the whole staying or leaving Dublin thingy. Yesterday I wanted to leave and now I want to stay. I think I have to really identify what the actual problem is. It may be good for me to not run away for once and face the problem, deal with it. If the house is the problem, i can just move. Or if my girffriend is the problem, then break up. She is difficult sometimes, but last night we had great sex and a good talk after and that of course affected my decision once again. I still think it might be a bit unhealthy to live with someone you’re still really just getting to know, especially if your dating them.
Last thursday I was feeling so low that i just decided to get drunk and boy did I get drunk. I got wasted! I couldn’t remember even coming home and of course I spent way too much money which makes paying rent this friday a real challenge. I think i need to make at leat 100€ (maybe more) in the next 4 days to have it taken care of. Frida also broke up with me twice when I came home drunk and I had said some awful things to her. This is why I shouldn’t drink in the first place. It brings the evil person out of me. Alcohol is poison. I just needed to escape myself and that i did. But it is no good doing it on the account of everything else in your life. I could go down the drinking road but i think the next time i do it will have severe consequences. I have to be really careful with that. I still don’t know about the alcoholism thing. I have even looked into the AA meetings here but everytime i see the “give yourself to God and let Him blabalbalbaa”, i just run away screaming. That means to me that they are full of shit. It offends me greatly having to mix in something so pathetic with something that is a serious thing. Letting yourself go to god is just another problem if you ask me. Maybe even worse. I have more respect for alcoholics than religious people. I know, that is harsh.
So I do know I am going home for XMas but I only have a flight TO finland and not back yet cause i don’t know what i am going to do. I also know that i really have to not make the decision by the influence of my emotions.
If I do come back, I will return on the 31st of DEC. That would be cool because I could start the new year completely fresh. I think i should get a part time job, just something silly for shits and giggles and some money. I should also really take this whole house thing and the people, the heating system, the constant mess and difficulties with being in a relationship as a challenge. I shouldn’t be too affected by it. I should just sit in the shadows and let it unfold. Be cool. Let others worry. My job is to write songs about it, as my manager would tell me. After all, i did agree to live here for a year but of course it would be nice if it was warm and people showed each other a little more respect. We’ll see. Gotta make a decision soon though cause my friend Elias wants to come here in Jan. It would be cool if he came.
I gotta start to learn to just have a few drinks which i do know i can do. I just don’t really know what the point of it is?
Gotta go!