Nov 23, 2012

Listening to Mahler. Got all his stuff on itunes a few weeks ago. Had a show last night at the university. This was my third show here. Getting better and better. Sunlight Heart is growing. Slowly but surely. Tomorrow go to Tartu for the first time and also have a show there in the evening, so looking forward to that. Not depressed today. Been on anti-depressants since beginning of the month and also haven’t been drinking any alcohol (or other drugs) during that time. Last night was in a bar until 3am but no drinking even then. It was strange but ok. I thought at some points I’d like to just go crazy and drink but honestly I didn’t regret my decision in the morning and… well, there is still a battle going on there. Apart of me wants it and another doesn’t. Tried AA but it’s not for me. There are better recovery options like SMAART or rational recovery, more suitable for me. More sane, less religious nonsense. I don’t believe in god. I don’t really believe in anything. Life is random. Increased dose on anti-depressants since yesterday and some days taking xanax to ease the anxiety. I think it helped with my performance last night. Oh and also doing cognitive behavioral therapy every few weeks. Only 2 times so far so still beginning. Been working on new music. Not going to university at all for over a month now I think and don’t really want to. Financially this puts me in a difficult position however because if I don’t get credit points, I will have to pay back the student tuition that’s flowing in from finland which can add up to quite a bit when it’s 500€ per month. So I’m kinda fucked. Maybe I will become rich and famous soon? Haha. Yeah right. But who knows, my new music is good and I’m singing/playing better than ever. Hope the meds don’t fuck me up too bad. I feel like I’m on borrowed time… with the financial situation and all. Like the formula 1 drivers always say, lets see how it goes.