(to Dez)
It has been a good week for me so far.
Been playing everyday, working out hard, practising, reading, sleeping well, did an open mic last night. Saturday I am going to see Ryan Adams. I’ve been going to shows myself because I just don’t know anybody here who wants to invest their time or money in anything but drinking and partying.
I feel good now, I am back on my feet. I have been thinking about looking up some meetings or something or someplace where I might have a chance of meeting some like minded people. It would be nice to have some friends here. You know, it can get a bit lonely sometimes. I know you know what I am talking about.
I have been thinking about this for awhile now but here goes. I don’t think I can live in this house with these people much longer. I am thinking about moving out at the end of the year. This means I will pay 2 more months of rent. These guys are cool you know, I can be myself here but I just don’t belong here. Our vibes do not really match. I am trying to think of this as positively as possible. I know they won’t take it very good if I go and especially the fact that I am sharing a room with someone. But I can’t live my life for other people.
I am going home for christmas and I am seriously considering staying at home for a few months to figure out where I want to live. I don’t really want to live in Dublin anymore or if i do come back I want my own place. The weather sucks, I don’t really fit into the Dublin social scene (right now anyway) and the fact that there is singer/songwriters more than plummers probably is not a good thing. I play at these nights and everywhere and the truth is (although I know it’s not true for me) to everybody I am just another singersongwriter. That is not good for me or good for anybody.
I need to find a new base. Who knows maybe I will come back here at some point. Our work together can basically happen anywhere and you know that. I would love to just travel around europe maybe stay in the southern part when it’s cold and wintery. When I start doing the ships again i’ll have money to travel and continue my life again as it has been before. I can always live in one place for a few months or more like I have here. I have always relied on my instincts and they are telling me to travel and spread your music! I am young and free.
The problem is that I committed to the gym and everything, I wonder if they can still cancel that. Also, I will probably have to find a roommate for Frida or pay until a new one is found otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to the rest. I know a few who might be interested. I just have a feeling that she won’t be happy about this at all. The people in the house will probably never forgive me although I did tell Frida before we did this that me moving with them is not a good idea. But they don’t know me at all anyway. What am I really losing. I know they are your friends but to me they are just people who I happened to get along with enough and conveniently live with. I just don’t enjoy living with anybody. I am a lone wolf. I need my peace. I need to not have to worry about why people don’t clean and take responsibility. I just can’t do this anymore.
Please don’t mention this at all to you-know-who. I know you guys talk a lot. I am still figuring things out and I just wanted to talk about it with you. I am sure we can do that when you come back here. I am not leaving until the 20th of December. We got a month to get everything on track and if we ever have to meet, it’s really easy in this modern world with cheap flights. And if I understood correctly, you will now be also free to travel? I just feel like if I leave, I am not really even leaving anything behind which is I think enough proof that I should go.
I do like Frida (my Frida) but she is young and like usually after a month or so, I just have a very hard time taking a relationship – be it friend or lover – to anywhere more than two people who get along and like the same stuff. I keep a distance to most people. Some – like yourself – I let in to my world to really see me. This is something that happens or doesn’t happen naturally. Most girlfriends start turning away little by little when they see the person I am. I am a good person though. I believe in the truth. The truth is unbearable for most people. People spend their whole lives avoiding reality. Fighting it. You know what reality is for me? It is beauty but it is also intense. I dig to the core of people’s beliefs. Most people especially the young ones want to just have fun which is cool, I respect that and I don’t want to take anything away from anybody.
I was hoping to get some of your thoughts on all this. We have a lot to talk about my friend. This can also wait until you come back. But if you feel the need to write to me about this or anything in your life, please do so.
Ps. Have you seen the tv show “Dexter”? I think it’s bar none the best show I have ever seen and I really mean that. Dez, if you are in a record store do yourself a favor and buy the 2 seasons of that show. It is amazing. You will love it. It is about people like me and you. I don’t know for sure if you will identify with the main character of the show but I certainly do. I feel like that everyday – although I don’t mean the serial killer thing. You’ll understand when you watch it. I have learned a lot from it.