It’s almost 3 am.
At my cousin’s place in Lahti, Finland.
Can’t sleep.
A little hungry. Bad taste in my mouth. From drinking beer all day and falling asleep without brushing teeth.
She said she’d wait. Do I believe her? Or perhaps, do I believe in destiny? Do I have faith that things could play out so perfectly that the perfect girl (I mean ‘my’ perfect girl) would just wait for me forever. Somehow, I am in conflict with this thought. I guess that is the battle I fight everyday. The two selves duking it out in the scrapyard with brass knuckles. Beating the fuck out of each other.
Once again, I am discontent with my life although I know things are moving forward. I’m starting to realize that perhaps that is a natural state for a man who want so much and demands a lot from himself. The day I am content is the day I am standing atop the mountain. Not there yet. (or the day when I have given up, also not there yet).
The last month has been another one of those “get lost to find yourself” months. Now, I feel I have regained my composure. The focus is back. Without these excursions of course, I would never be anywhere. Most people have a hard time seeing that in me. Hell, I have a hard time seeing that in me. Only in hindsight I healthily look back on my failures and shortcomings and appreciate their significance.
Well, I’m going to write some poetry and meander in my endless thoughts wishing it was 5 hours later so I could get some food and not feel so out of place with the time. Oh shit, the winter time thing is tonight? Damn. That’s an extra hour to kill the night.