It was kind of a good week. Photoshoot, liveshow, alcohol, weed, fucking a beautiful greek girl, more alcohol, more fans, more admiration, more confidence, blablablablablaa… So how much did I really go forward? The music career certainly took some steps in the right direction. Of course, there is a price to pay for everything. And of course I once again crippled myself with the common delusions and temptations.
Yes, last week was exciting but once again today I woke up feeling lost and confused. The distractions and boozed fueled nights always eventually lead to this point. The more distracted, the more booze, the LONGER distracted, the worse seems to be the jet lag. But I decided to get clarity and just feel what is right, what I need to do. The problem is that some of the things I need to do are not necessarily things that I want to do or that I think I can do. Of course I can. I choose what I can and cannot do. It’s just limiting beliefs in my head. It’s alcohol. Drugs. Escapism. Addiction. This unwillingness to face reality as it is because it does not suit my needs. How pathetic is that? Well it’s not actually. Again, it’s just the way it is. How I feel right now is the way it is.
So here’s what I need to do, for the next year or two. Or actually the rest of my life. The things that really bring me fulfillment. Everything else is just a distraction. Maybe these are distractions also but at least they don’t harm me. On the contrary, they make me feel good, healthier, closer to my dreams. So yeah, here they are.
1) Music
2) Yoga
3) Chess
4) Books
That’s it. Everything else is a lie. The rocknroll lifestyle, the constant need to get laid or be accepted or whatever. Music is my artform, my craft, my connection to the world. Yoga is my weapon of war against earthly desires, to make me a better man in every way and to stay focused, balanced, etc. Chess is my intellectual sword sharpener and really, it’s a game of life and like yoga, it will teach me patience and humility. Books are my university. I don’t need degrees, or lectures or professors. All I need is books.
I decided to stop going to the gym. I have ashtanga yoga class tonight. I know it will grab me by the balls and since I’ve done it on/off throughout the years I know exactly what to expect. I just think I can get more bang for my buck with yoga than going to the gym where it’s all about vanity. Vanity is a weak beggar at the feet of the great yoga mountain and will be squashed like a lonely ant. And of course the girls are hotter and more interesting perhaps…
Just laying this shit out helps me become more peaceful inside. Right now, I don’t need inner turmoil. I have enough material already. Besides, the sex, drugs and rocknroll can always wait. It’s best to do those when I can actually afford it (not just financially). Right now I can’t. There’s too much to lose.
Oh, and I quit university. Not my thang.