top ‘o the morning to ya.
just chillin’ at home, drinking tea and listening to Saint-Saëns. it’s been the best week of my life so far but i always say that because life just keeps getting better and better.
in the world of a musician, when you can play something you could never have played before, new doors of possibility open. cue in william blake quote: If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite.
making progress. i love my life but i want more because then i can give more. this is the paradigm shift that must be made if you want to live the life of a drifter poet like me. i don’t necessarily recommend it tho unless you want to be free and a little bit crazy.
my lower self has a bunch of friends. i usually meet them wherever i go. it’s fairly easy to bond through booze, travel, music and 2am discussions or if with women, erotic omg confessions. these can be magical moments. and if others can play, epic creative sessions.
just getting harder and harder to find people with the kind of talent and time required for these kinds of ceremonies. everyone is so damn busy these days. and they make it seem like it’s because of the kids and the jobs and the partners and the mortgages and the million other things but the truth is, they were busy even before they had all that.
i don’t like busy. it feels like a distraction, an avoidance of some kind that peope will realise too late in life. i like simple and fun and slow. there has to be space in the schedule for long conversations, spontaneity, and doing nothing. some say romance is dead? not for me.
my higher self has few friends but the community is growing as the new identity is forged in the inner depths of heaven and hell: humility, skill, surrender, devotion, service, mastery, faith, love, truth, beauty and joy. a little hedonism is also fun now and then. lucifer is a fallen angel and jesus was the christ AND the anti-christ.
since i was a boy i have been feeling a little awkward around people. i was shy and cried and blushed my way through my childhood, teens, twenties and now thirties (turning 40 in april). alcohol brainwashed me into believing it helped. and it happened to be legal so i used it as a lubricant to make the social stuff less rough. when i had to give speeches in high school, i drank whiskey in the bathroom just before to take away the nerves. but alcohol/drugs/meds is just feeding your lower self that keeps you stuck and frustrated and popular.
perhaps my chosen life as a performer was my way of dealing with that feeling of being crippled inside. it was a way to show off too and gave me confidence i never had in anything else. i stil hate performing. i don’t like this feeling of terror i experience before every show. the smaller, the scarier. especially when solo. and if i do it too much i get this weird confidence that i don’t like either. it feels like i am skipping the real thing. the intensity. the intimacy. the magic of showing who i really am. it’s easy to start feeling fake confident when drunk backbackers and other weirdoes complimented you. i loved it too and my ego fed on the admiration.
but i was never happy with anything i did. had bands and little tours/shows and made music videos and even full concert recordings with good sound and audio. i uploaded them or others did but i couldn’t live with myself knowing that others are seeing me like this. who is this wannabe idiot posing as me? whatever i was aspiring to was just not happening.
so i deleted everything again and again. completely nuked all that work and pissed off a lot of people who will probably never forgive me. apparently the work met their standards. but it sure as hell didn’t meet mine. and since i was in charge and in control, i did what had to be done.
i’m a sinner striving for sainthood. i don’t wanna follow christ or anyone.
i wanna become CHRIST. and fall in love with everyone, including me.
testing out a new psychotherapist in 3 hours.
will let you know how it goes/went.