Whether it’s a bigger or smaller show, with band or solo, there seems to be this comedown or hangover after I perform in front of people and it’s the loneliest, emptiest, coldest feeling imaginable. I just become completely dead inside and disconnected from everything. This is followed by depression and anxiety. It’s like i’ve bled my soul dry. Just horrible. Unbearable. And it often lasts for days, sometimes weeks, months even. This is why I don’t really enjoy playing live. I really have to force myself to do it. I would rather stay home and make music. Alone. In fact, I would rather not even do that.
Maybe I give too much of myself in my songs and performances? Or maybe this is the path of destroying that “self” (or ego) once and for all and the ego is just resisting. This is why I get sucked back in to it again and again. I can not leave music, I cannot quit it. Because that would mean quitting being me… this person I don’t even really like. Me, me, me. I’m so sick of this “me”. I want to destroy “me”. I am no good.
Then again, if live performance of art does not feel like a catharsis; an exorcism… is it really art? I think not. At least I have zero interest in that kind of art. Most music is not art. It’s just music. Most film is not art. It’s just film. Art is not a collective celebration or ritual nor does it have anything to do with entertainment or pleasing others. Art is a selfish & personal transcendence of inner sorrow & conflict into beauty & resolution, through a mysterious synergistic process. This is true whether it’s music, painting, photo, sculpture, acting, directing, writing, etc. All of those mechanical processes have the capacity to become art when the artist emerges through them and surrenders to the creative forces within (often demanding great personal sacrifice and well-being).
I wish I could just kick back after live shows, have a few drinks, play some rock ‘n roll with musicians from other bands, have fun, party with groupies, smoke weed and pretend to be cool. I wish I could be a lot of things. But I learned a long time ago that if I want to pursue the artist lifestyle fully, there are just some things I don’t get to have and never will. I don’t get to enjoy this. I get to do this.
