Sometimes I think that I am the only artist left alive.
I just deleted my nearly 50 Gb iTunes library.
I am so sick of music.
I prefer listening to the noises of life.
Porridge is rumbling away on the stove.
Traffic hum through the windows.
There’s a strange scent in the air and I am not sure where it’s from. I think it’s from doing the dishes and the new “eco-friendly” dish soap that I bought.
I have mixed feelings about facebook:
* I like the idea of connecting with the world
* it confuses me somehow… there’s too much going on there, it’s overwhelming
I like my apartment.
I am very lonely.
Women are not attracted to me.
I am terribly insecure when sober.
I want to stop using ALL drugs.
I have all these new books but I can’t seem to concentrate for long and I’ve started the first few chapters of 5 books.
Last weekend when I came home on sunday I bought two porn magazines.
I wish I had the courage to post this on my public blog but I don’t because I am too scared of what people will think of me.
I do not know what I am doing with my life. I am doing nothing. Going nowhere.
Perhaps that isn’t true… we are always going somewhere.
I am just so conditioned by society to have to HAVE something or DO something or BE something.
Fuck it. I’m going to enjoy being nothing, doing nothing.
Besides, I have a lot of work to do on myself.
I wonder what Jesus would’ve done? Although it’s doubtful he even existed.
What about Buddha?
Or Krihnamurti?
I feel a bit better for writing this and getting my thoughts concrete.
I am alive, I got my own place, privacy. I can jerk off when I want. Sleep when I want. Wake up when I want. I can sell all my stuff and disappear if I want. I can jump out of my fifth story window if I want. I can slash my wrists if I want. I would probably be dead for a week and nobody would know, These and many other thoughts have occured to me.
I am at a low point in my life. Maybe an all time low.
But in a good way.