Sep 12, 2013

Another day on planet earth. Listening to Chopin’s nocturnes played by Ivan Moravec. Trying to find some inspiration or motivation to go out tonight to play @CLAYHILLS GASTROPUB where I perform a few times per month. Right now I have none nor have I really had much in the last few weeks. These post-summer months are not easy as there seemed to be much more demand for my talents when it was summer. But what the hell, this is the life I am living now. I have been thinking a lot lately about what I really want and why I am doing what I’m doing. And of course the more time I have to think and the more I think, the lousier I feel. Woody Allen said in an interview that the key to happiness is keeping ourselves distracted. Tolstoy once wrote that if people let go of their distractions, most would kill themselves. Buddha said to not attach ourselves to outcome or desire. To be present in whatever we are doing whether it’s the dishes, or work or practising something or studying or writing a facebook post. I have no idea what any of them are talking about or what any of it means. I’m just a guy who’s read some stuff and experienced things. I put on clothes and go to the supermarket to by food and drink water and avoid being cold just like every other human being. I am still crippled by questions concerning what all this means and what love is and why I just don’t seem to like social media (maybe I don’t have real friends?) and why/how I have managed to become someone who gets paid to sing about their past. I want people to not starve and have opportunities and don’t like guns or war or violence especially when innocent kids and animals are the victims of our bottomless cruelty and greed and apathy, yet sometimes I feel like I want to go on a killing spree when I look around with unfiltered eyes. I am too weak and powerless and dishonest and lacklustre with myself to standup and dedicate my life towards service and a better world so I just end up feeling guilty and shitty and complain and judge others and hate myself. I am not ready to surrender nor forgive so I continue to wallow in my own misery. Most of us are living lives of avoidance of the big picture of morality and ecology. The distracted mind. Apathy is worse than death. This is why we suffer so much. This is why most of us are on drugs or anti-depressants or religion or expensive wine and why we work so hard and sleep so little and keep ourselves awake with coffee and comfort ourselves with stimulation and escape everything on the weekends.