Saturday morning. Everybody is sleeping in the house I am crashing at. Came to Dublin on wednesday night. All I have been doing since then has been drinking. I realized that drinking makes me really depressed. Yesterday we found a house which we are going to rent with 6 friends. I was doubting before whether it is a good idea but now I think that it’s the best idea for me right now. I don’t want to live in a hostel anymore. Of course I could get my own place somewhere but I like these people and it’s good to have people around otherwise I get too fucked up. I really need to stop drinking and wasting my money and time on that shit. I have better things to do. When I drink it takes me a few days to recover and that rules out everything else. I can’t get anything done when i’m hungover. Right now i am hungover.
My manager talked to Geffen on thursday and the guy said he didn’t hear that *your body is a wonderlan*’ amongst the otherwise very good songs. I probably would’ve walked away right at that point. Now I feel like a failure musician wise. I am so sick of busking and being an unknown musician. I know I got talent and the songs but I just haven’t managed to build any kind of real fanbase around me. I have nothing to show for all the work i’ve done. Although I guess it’s something that I have someone trying to pitch me to big labels in the US. I just feel really unsuccessful. I am seriously considering giving up music and starting something else. I am sicking of trying to make it or lying to myself that I don’t want to and that i’m satisfied with just doing what I do and being able to write songs.
The truth is, I want money. I want to be rich. I don’t care about anything else. When you have money you can freely pursue all the other things that are needed for a good balanced life. You can eat well, workout properly, do cool stuff which you can meet people through. I could then actually buy the new Metallica album which I just can’t afford right now. Life sucks without money.
I am very lonely. I want to find a girlfriend but for some reason it is hard for me and I keep on putting these hurdles in front of me which make it even more difficult. When I drink I get too drunk and I can imagine myself to be very unattractive like that. At least to the girls I would really want. I need to stop drinking so much. Learning to control it would be a great help.
Well at least it’s nice to know that I will have a house to live in. I don’t actually know how i’m gonna pay for it. I have about 1000euros left. I will probably have to borrow deposit money from papa. The rent will be about 350/month.
It’s all about the wealth, health and relationships. I feel I could make a huge improvement on all of these areas. Why don’t I ? Why do I let myself get to these low states of mind? I ‘ve brainwashed myself to think that excess drinking will bring me crazy wild adventures which are of course fun thus bringing me pleasure. The problem is that e.g. yesterday, I drank too much and when it was really time to go out and kick it, I was too drunk and tired and felt like shit. Maybe I should start using another drug. I also remember eating some shit greasy food that made me feel shit too. Luckily, I haven’t touched meat for 4 months. I am actually proud of myself for that. I wish I could do the same with the alcohol and even cigarettes which I bought again last night. Cigarettes are disgusting.
I don’t know if I want to be sober in this society. Sure it’s easy when you got the sort of lifestyle around you that does not promote it. In all honesty, this life and the people I hang around with and the city I live in would be too boring if I wasn’t drinking. One day I will stop for good. That day is not today.
On monday I have to start doing shit. Gotta start building my empire. Hone the music skills, shape the body, refuel system, talk to people sober.