Sep 16, 2009

feeling horrible mentally & spiritually.
It seems there are two ways for me to eat. Either I eat fruit and get sick of it and start craving junk food. Then I eat junk food and when it causes me to feel like crap I crave fruit. I don’t like cooking. I actually wish I didn’t have to eat at all, things would be much easier. I’ve always considered eating and everything related to it, a huge chore. I eat when I’m really hungry and by then I just want to eat something quick and that’s why it’s easy to eat fruit because you just peel it or then again it’s easy to go to mcdonalds (although I haven’t eaten there lately) since I can’t afford to eat at nicer restaurants. Then again, if I saved up all that money spent on crappy  junk food and ate once a month in a nice restaurant I could do it but easier said than done. But tell me if you know anybody who eats raw fruits and veggies for a month and then buys cheap Russian horse meat (no offense, dear Russian readers) and wonders why he feels like crap and guilty (for eating meat)? And to top that off, not one but TWO donuts + coke (soda not powder) for a “light evening snack”? Well, now you do. I’m the all enthusiastic health master save the earth dude AND self-destructive superman in one package. Oh and I also listen to Indian pop. There’s nothing like having a good laugh at yourself once in awhile…
So here I am once again, sitting in front of my computer in the wee early morning hours feeling like shit. Had nightmares, slept bad, neck sore, feel sluggish heavy and tired. When I am eating just fruit, I feel so clear and clean and pure and light. I really wish I lived in California or somewhere where I could get proper raw food because the proper raw food here is pretty much either a) unavailable or b) too expensive for me. Perhaps that’s just the common “I wish I had something I don’t have or wishing I was somewhere else” mentality that underlies most of our problems. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
Who knows, maybe I have deeper issues with all this. I’m thinking either mental problems or an eating disorder (or is that the same thing?). Instead of always being my own shrink, perhaps I should go see a real doctor. Mine as well take full advantage of Finland’s free health care system. However, I am pretty much against the whole medicine based mentality of health care or “dis-easecare” which is what it really is and should be called. All I can say is my lows are getting lower and my highs are getting higher. That knowledge hit me last night and is quite an unsettling fact to be aware of. I’ll let you know if I get sent away in a white coat or if I get thrown out of the health clinic for verbally abusing the doctor. This should be fun.
I’m also looking for a personal chef so if you think you fit the bill, send an application.
Requirements for being Markus’ personal caretaker:
* female
* beautiful (inner and outer wise)
* under 30
* intelligent
* art lover
* kind and warm
* sense of humor
* healthy and fit
* willing to work for free
I’m not being unrealistic or too high demanding am I? Wait until you see what I look for in a girlfriend, haha…which is probably why I don’t currently have one. Of course I expect her to expect no less of me. Did I just describe the female version of me? wow, that’s messed up, lol.
Sometimes this living thing is quite a challenge. I wasn’t going to post these moments of weakness’ but I figured it would make this blog more interesting if it is actually the “real” me (why am I so obsessed with that term?) with all my ups and downs, darkness and all and not just the sunshine.
The truth is, the more knowledge I gain, the more lost and confused I become. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think anymore. Everybody’s wrong. Everybody’s right.
Before this post gets anymore uplifting, I’m going to stop. See ya later folks.