Sep 24, 2012

Horrible depression today. Lectures all day. Went to school but came home after the first one and decided to stay home all day. Want to quit school, quit everything, quit life, quit being me. I don’t want to do anything. I always feel like the feeling won’t pass but it usually does. But what if the feeling is there for a reason as I am sure it is? Trying to tell me something… like my dream. I forgot to feed the dog because of my self-centeredness and she was dying in my arms of starvation, then I woke up. I have been drinking a lot lately, smoking cigarettes, spending money on crap I don’t need like clothes and even ate a burger after leaving the club on saturday (I did this the previous week also and never told anyone because they all think I am a vegan… I didn’t feel ashamed and I really enjoyed it). I am so sick of living like this, constantly needing something… alcohol, women, whatever. Constantly needing it because I need this approval and it makes me sick. So yeah, sat at the lecture but it was so boring and generally have been thinking in recent days if this is really for me. I don’t like it, I don’t like the city and I don’t like any of the people I’ve met. Most of all, i don’t like myself and what I have become. I have zero motivation to do anything that matters. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up although I know even that is a lie because I do want to finish watching The Sopranos and I do want to know who will win the F1 world championship this year. Other than that? I got nothing. And worst of all, I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to go or how I am going to get money if I am not studying anymore. Finland is not an option, I would rather die than go back to that shit-hole. I would rather go fight a war. So my options? Hmmm… go to India and become a monk or something. Join the army. Become a bartender. They are all equally bad options. Fuck this, I am going to bed to read Finding Ultra. I am only on the 4th chapter but hopefully it will inspire me. It seems like a good read. Maybe I should also find an AA meeting here. I need help.