This art work is quite a life. And life is quite a work of art. Have had to be ruthless in removing distractions especially recently. I mean almost everything/everyone and really understanding the sacrifices required if one wants peak creative powers as an artist. It is a brutal awakening when one realises this potential and what it can do. But it’s also a sad longing for wasted years, playing games you were never gonna win.
Coming to terms with this acceptance and seeing a bigger expanse unfold is part of this path. It seems many who embark on this journey reach a point of no return yet do not wish to proceed further. Instead they are caught in a kind of bardo state, not really here nor there. This might be the best place to be for people like us. Stay there if you want. Enjoy it. Make a home there. It’s tempting I admit. Or if the viking explorer blood runs wild in you, keep going. I will see you out there where they said you cannot go.
There are some things I have still been forcing myself to do and for this reason I question their validity as well. For example: meditation. It is a vaguely defined practice I have personally been doing on and off since 2008. I honestly don’t know if it offers any benefits whatsoever or if it’s another scam for idiots like me who still think there is something to fix.
That summer I also shaved my head and became a vegetarian. Got into yoga, zen and all that shit. Eventually went vegan and got into even more alternative modalities, philosophies and those rabbit holes just seemed to get deeper and deeper. And i was surprised and quite heart broken at how reluctant friends and family were in joining me on this quest for liberation and world peace. This fueled the fire even more although eventually I abandoned all that stuff until only art remained.
I ostracised myself which brought on intense waves of loneliness, anger and mental breakdowns. Made strange choices mostly out of survival or sanity preservation. But also the urge to experiment and find boundaries. When you open yourself enough, both demons and angels will hunt you down and you will love them. Let them duke it out, sit back and watch the carnival. Honey get me a cold one and turn it up.
Kept playing instruments and writing songs through all of it. It’s been the only constant in my life. The art game is a loophole in the system which i have been exploiting since i can remember, when time began. Rocknroll is the highest art-form there is. Glenn Gould couldn’t stand it because he didn’t understand it.
In hindsight its easy to know what the right choices are. And what it would’ve meant to play it safe. Life is too complex to know anything. To know is to die. To create is to embrace the madness and dive deep into the mystery. Those who pretend to know things are lying because they are living in fear and without this pseudo-certainty their realities would crumble.
Your past is a story. Your future is a fantasy. Nationality is a joke. The most powerful nation on earth is imagi-nation. That’s why I don’t salute flags or sing the national anthems of slaves. I write and sing inter/inner-national anthems for the united states of higher selves, in the poet’s republic of vicevoids.
I have always loved to poke and prod at people’s ideologies and find the faults which they reveal in their emotional reactions. And in my reactions to their reactions, I reveal my own shadow selves that thrive in obscurity. Best case scenario: laughter. Worst case: war. Probably why I prefer my own company these days. Like George Carlin, I like people in small doses.
Have tried all kinds of stuff to find meaning and healing in this crazy world. Self help books. Therapy. Meds. Drugs. Pills. Travel. Community. Religion. Solitude. Sex. Intimacy. Health. Fitness. Business. Science. Spirituality. It’s all part of the dance but art and especially music seems to be the Lord of the dance. It’s a release. A surrender. A salvation. A communion. A celebration. A ceremony that never ends. Everything else is a distraction (for me). That’s why they call me the insecurity guard. And I’m still trying to figure out who ‘they’ are. There’s nothing to know, no one to be. There’s nothing to do, it’s all happening.
“Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche