options
* long term world travel, become a vagabond, renounce everything, my family, my friends, my possessions, my life… very tempting option I must say, VERY tempting. what is stopping me? not much really….
* go live with parents for few months to record all the 50+ worthy songs I’ve written in the last few years…. but is my heart in it? not really. do i feel some kind of obligation to do this, for myself and for the world? maybe. why?
* temporary travel? sounds kind of lame. i don’t want to be no tourist. i don’t want to have limitations to when, where or how long. i want freedom. and freedom is an escape from time and money and government and social security numbers and insurance and bills and responsibilities. without maps, without compasses, without destinations, without a plan. that’s the only kind of travel i am interested in.
* do both? record and then travel? hmmm… sounds kind of boring still compared to the first option.
regardless, i’ve already given in my notice that i’m moving from this flat I currently live in. I have to be gone by the end of the month.
i get money back from the deposit i have paid to live here. i can use it for the recording gear or to go travel? it’s a tough choice. if i did go travel i’d sell my guitars and the little posessions i do own e.g. computer, ipod, radiohead inrainbows limited edition boxset, books, futon bed
one thing i know is i am moving away from helsinki and this is the second time i am leaving this city because i cannot stand it. i will never return to this city unless i have to. at least i will never live here again. that’s for sure. why did i ever return here in the first place? it’s a city devoid of culture, of romance, of inspiration, of excitement, of adventure. just a bunch of idiots running around without a clue. my small little flat has more culture than helsinki ever will. the city is a detriment to my well being.
i’m sick of the circles and the games and the lies and the destruction and society and everything else. everybody is so trapped in this corrupt system and it’s dehumanizing and just poisonous to my spirit. it’s very hard for me to be around anybody or even talk to anybody. it’s just the same old story, over and over again. i try to wake them up and all they do is eradicate my viewpoints and threaten my sense of selfness and what I regard as the essentials of a virtuous life (see previous posts).
for the first time in my life i have no idea what i’m doing. my passion for music has disappeared somewhere. i haven’t written any new songs for many months. perhaps i just need a break. i don’t feel like playing, writing, singing or listening to music. it just bores me. my interests currently lie elsewhere.
and it’s causing me immense stress. but i also know that stress is there to guide me. that’s the purpose of stress. it means something i’m doing is not working.
i sleep well (don’t wake up to an alarm clock)
i eat well (raw vegan)
i move well (exercise everyday)
i breathe well (deep breathing and fresh air everyday)
i drink well (plenty of water)
i don’t want to do what people think i should do or what i have to do. i just want to do what i want to do. i don’t want to be dependent on anything or anybody. i really want to remove the people from my life who don’t support me. they are a hindrance to me.
but still i’m left lost and stuck and nobody can help me because i don’t want anybody’s help or opinions.
unless you are willing to give up everything, what do you know of how i feel?
to disappear
to fade away
to leave it all
and never come back again
but what then?
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti
to have nothing. now that is a very attractive idea for me. surely it would also be the lesson of all lessons.