I’m feeling slightly frustrated currently because I can’t record here since there’s too much noise coming from everywhere. The problem is outside mostly, there’s this constant hum of traffic and for the whole day some guy has been cleaning the pavement with a machine. And my refrigerator hums also. I don’t want any of this stuff on my recordings so now I am trying to decide whether I should just abandon the idea of recording here altogether.
Where else though? There’s noise everywhere! And I can’t afford to go in a studio. The only viable options are either go to parents place in eastern finland or wait until I am living in my new place in Tallinn if I get into the university which I just applied for. I expect to get in and have kind of already prepared for moving in a few months but I’m not 100% sure yet.
So perhaps it would be wise to hold off on the recordings and wait until I am there and do it all in the autumn. Of course I am not sure that there will be any less noise there. Apart of me also wants to have the album done by then so I can focus on the studies while promoting the album.
This is the problem with frustration; indecision. To be honest, I feel like doing nothing for the rest of the day. I know that this is the point where previously things would downward spiral towards depression and utter misery which would cause me to abuse myself in various self-destructive ways e.g. food, alcohol, drugs, etc. But I know I can’t do that anymore. I just can’t afford to.
I’m also doing this online animal rights book class thing at a private forum where I have been posting a little in the last month. The truth is, I am not really interested in campaigning for animal rights or being an ar activist except for by my own life choices and eventually I will give voice to the suffering when I have more power as an individual which I hope to get through my art.
But even if that were to happen, I prefer to campaign against the big picture (the monetary system) and feel that everything else is just patchwork and won’t amount to much in the end. Not anymore in this day and age where changes can only go so far until profit enters the picture as it always does. I might be wrong about this but that’s the way I see it. If all ar activists were to focus more on the big picture, I think they could accomplish much more even concerning what they fight against.
So I decided before writing this post about my frustrations about indecisiveness that I would not continue the class anymore but then this got me thinking about the logics & proofs course I started yesterday (also online) and whether I am really interested in that either. What am I really interested in? Are these things helping me get to where I want? What about the university thing for the autumn? Is that something that is useful for me? For the world?
So I started to think about all this and really I’m just frustrated because I want to make music and I think my upcoming album will be a very big thing and important thing for the world and also to get me some breathing space from my tight situation and unemployed parasitical status. As far as I’m concerned, making this album and doing it right is my responsibility to the world! I am ultimately just a servant of nature and gladly I serve.
For some reason I am a 29 and although I am quite satisfied that I’ve managed to get to the place I am now at and how I’ve removed myself from the crippling and soul destroying ‘normalcy’ of modern culture, I am really wanting something more because I know I can do more and be more. But how much more? And what am I really doing all this for? For whom?
Aaaah, just wanted to let off some steam. It felt good. I feel better now. This blog is a good friend.
I know the answers.
I am enlightened.
There is no confusion.
Sometimes we just have to trample through some swamp to get to new territory… I’ll be fine. But one things certain concerning the above, I am done with the animal rights course and I can’t record right now! (oh that’s two!)
I’m going to start making my vegetable soup now. It’s almost five in the evening. It will consist of potato, cauliflower, wild mushrooms, onion, white beans, ginger, tomato and…. hmmmm, I think that’s it. (all veggies organic btw, much to the detriment of my bank account)
I’m taking the rest of the day off. (it’s possible that everything else is just an excuse for doing that)