Friend asked:
How is your life? I worry that you appear and disappear and it has to do with mental stuff and I can’t help you because Im too stupid and you read more than I do and older than me
yeah i dont know why i keep appearing and disappearing
Going through this awakening / purification process that takes decades. Learning to see the world for what it really is. That can be challenging and confusing. And terrifying. Brutal but also beautiful.
I have developed these elite skills that i dont quite know what to do with. It feels so cheap and pathetic to just ejaculate myself for free online the way everyone does these does for clicks, likes and money.
So last 5 years i have basically been living as a recluse here. I barely see anyone or talk to anyone. Just work on my music and read and play chess. Now and then some short trips somewhere or appearances online to test the waters. But i feel i am too intense and weird for most people to handle so i quietly step back into the shadows.
Some days are fine, other days i really struggle and wonder why i bother with any of this. But my music keeps me going. It is too good to not keep doing and sharing eventually. I think it can help a lot of people if nothing else than just give them some inspiration and hope.
I honestly dont even know anymore where to go, what to do, who to be. I never really did. I dont wanna pretend otherwise. I can have dreams and plans and goals but not sure they are for real.