I just want to go to mexico and stare at the ocean. Leave everything behind. Will that make my life better? For some reason we keep on breathing. We don’t pee in our pants. We get up. Out of obligation? Why not just lie in our own filth and see what happens. I mean really whats the worst that can happen. Someone calls someone. We are taken away perhaps. Maybe put in a room and fed pills. They can study us and try to “help” us. Our friends and relatives get worried. Then what? Do we keep pretending we’re mad? And hope that the bill isn’t too high when were sane again? Maybe death is the better option. Saves us all the fuss. I just can’t seem to figure out how to die so it’s easier than whatever feels so difficult now. Death still feels like the worst option although it may seem like some sort of solution. Because then the game is done. And if I didn’t wanna play the game I wouldn’t be here writing this shit. Is this a cry for help? I don’t even know. Isn’t everything? Is all art just some desperate sign post to say “here it is, whatever this is, be here with me even if just for a moment”. And what makes you so sure that what you’re doing is the way to go. Are you winning? Better than me? You have found a way to defeat death? I didn’t think so. You have something I don’t and vice versa. We are on the same page friend. Still breathing. Looking for patterns to recognize so we don’t stumble. To make it through the day and hoping to survive the night. Is this what madness feels like? Thoughts and concepts at war with one another. Anarchy of the mind. The ego dying but desperately trying to hold on with the last finger, hanging from a sharp edged rock. People offering their hands to pull us up. Others stomping on our fingers. Do we wanna fall. Why do we hold on. Just let go and fall. Fly. Get back to work soldier.
GO FOR GLORY MARKUS
About 3-4 months ago things started going sour with my girlfriend. London ate us alive. I was living pretty clean at the time. 100% vegan. I was living in central London with a beautiful girlfriend making a living as a street musician. But I was unhappy. She was unhappy. Negative thoughts and attitudes we’re poisoning our minds. I didn’t have an instruction manual for getting out of it or helping us find the way back to some perfect time that probably never even existed.
So I lost it all. I knew that one cigarette would mean I’m back on the path towards self-destruction. So I stopped caring about what I put into my body. I stopped caring about the consequences of my actions. I stopped caring about everything.
I just had no energy left. I became a selfish, greedy turd of an animal like most humans. I said fuck it, give me one. And another one. Then I was so far gone in the dark abyss that I couldn’t recognize my own face anymore.
And since then I’ve been on a one-way ticket to hell. And I wanted to go there. I wanted it to be quicker. I was suicidal but never had the balls to get it over with. Coward. So I just turned to the vices that keep the masses at bay. I joined the choir saying more, more, more. I ran away to Amsterdam and now here to Toronto. I thought my friends could help me. I kept on running and now I have nowhere left to run to. Well I do but I’m sick of running.
But I’m getting back on track. Week by week. Day by day. We don’t need to hack our brain or look for some magical solution to all our problems or some bullshit “smart drugs” which seem to be the fad these days. I’m just sick of giving the middle finger to reality, to nature. Or believing shit that makes zero sense with nothing to back it up but some stupid article you read online. We think we know things we really don’t. I’m sick of not saying what’s really on my mind. I’m sick of this apathy and avoidance.
I wanna get back to vegan. Quit all the drugs. To science. To love. To integrity. To living a life beyond my own egotistical needs. It’s not about doing more but doing less. The good life is simple. It takes surrender and forgiveness. Patience. Compassion. But most of all it takes happiness and joy from seeing past the horizon of quick fix. Most of all, it takes courage to stand up and walk it alone if that’s what is needed.
Look, the only reason we do drugs (caffeine, alcohol, cocaine, LSD, junk food, netflix, etc all the same shit) is because we want to change our state. We are saying that without that stuff our lives suck and nature is doing a bad job.
When I get too clean, I become disconnected and isolated because I’m an addict. I want sex and attention like anyone. I want it so much that I don’t even exist anymore. But I also think that there is a way past that initial anguish this path might cause when we have enough mental strength to admit that we are all connected, not just to each other but to nature, the animals and all life on earth and in the galaxies. We are never alone. It takes years. We need others to help us who have been where we are now. I made the mistake of thinking I can do it alone. Or assuming that the people I travel with are on the same level. I thought she wanted this. But she didn’t. I tried to make her see the world like I see it. I failed.
Look at us. We have these amazing brains. We can do so much. Why doesn’t water amaze us anymore? What about vegetables and fruit that grow perfect and are more beautiful than anything some chef can ever conjure. What about the magic of touching another person’s skin. Or just dancing to live music and talking with each other about what’s really going on with us without being constantly bombarded and distracted by our smartphones and 24/7 messengers. I fucking loathe smartphones. They trouble me 1000000 more than ISIS or any of that refugee crap.
How are we not bored of living like this? How are more people not going insane? How is there not more violence on the streets? Haven’t we had enough of this carnival? I certainly have.
We live in a society of addiction. To substances that don’t belong in our bodies and do more harm in the long run. To watching other people’s dramas on Netflix. To steak and beer and sports and all the things that keep us in our cages.
I want to free us from this madness. At least myself. Sure it’s fun when we’re riding high on pleasure. But pleasure was never enough for me. And the come downs are too rough these days. I want purpose. I want to know that what I did mattered and continues to matter. I need to find pleasure in that.
Don’t be another turd Markus. And tell your friends that they are wonderful creatures who have much more potential than they think. Get in there. Find a way. Scream it out in your songs. You call yourself a songwriter so write a fucking song that actually does something. Leave your mediocre work online for now but get to work. Get better. Be better. This is not good enough. That’s why you’re nowhere.
The Great Forgetting. Forgetting how great it should feel to just be free and alive. How can I be miserable when I have everything I need? Something is wrong with this picture. Something needs to change. Otherwise I’m done. With all of this. I need to look at what I have and really appreciate it. These hands. This laptop. These people. This planet. Wow.
Silence and darkness is calling my name. Life in a cabin or the monastery. Or to find peace in the city life and make that my church somehow. Like Yogananda once said to the student who wanted to go off into the mountains to meditate: “your closet will do just fine”.
I don’t really know what direction to take from here. The paths seem to go in all kinds of interesting places. Just gotta choose and go forwards. Keep on living. Keep on writing. Whether I appear or disappear or whatever. Irrelevant. Just keep at it. Never give up. Ever.
BIO
I’ve been making music pretty much my whole life. I was born in Finland in 1983 but grew up in Canada. My music takes a lot of influences from all kinds of styles. I really don’t like to think of music in genres because I think it’s much more than that. But if I had to give my music some labels, I would call it modern folk prog. But then again, what I do is also much more than that.
I’m very interested in combining traditional acoustic instruments with more electronic stuff like synths and beats. At least that’s where my head is at currently. In fact, I would love to free music from it’s shackles. I just want great songs, amazing musicianship, high energy and lots of intense emotion. Jazz, pop, classical, rock. I love it all. Music consists of melodies, harmonies, rhythms, grooves, sounds and poetry. There are no rules as far as I’m concerned. And if there are, I follow my own (and break them when they no longer serve the song).
This year has been quite an adventure. I’ve been living in London, Amsterdam and now in Toronto. There have been a lot of ups and downs but I feel like I’ve gotten back on track. I’m currently recording my fourth solo album and I’m really excited about all my new material. Until now I’ve been the king of self-sabotage. I’ve been struggling with my moods and mental states for as long as I can remember. This has come with a heavy price regarding my life and relationships. Yet it’s given me the drive and need to write songs and pursue my life as a musician. A blessing in disguise if there ever was one.
I started music at a young age. My first instrument was piano and then I picked up a guitar at age 11 and never looked back! I started singing in my early teens because I didn’t know anybody else who could sing the songs I started writing. My early adolescence was a very difficult time for me. So many changes and surprises and some tragedy too. Music was a salvation, as it’s always been. Since then I’ve kept at it and although I’ve tried to quit a few times, there’s never really been a plan b. I suck at everything else, I really do (I take pride in believing that).
My biggest influences have been: The Beatles, Queen, CCR, Nirvana, Guns N’ Roses, Eagles, Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Oasis, Dream Theater, Joe Satriani, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jimi Hendrix, Dire Straits, Eric Clapton, Kingston Wall, Radiohead, Coldplay, Mew, Tchaikovsky, The Band, Bruce Springsteen, The National, Townes Van Zandt, Bob Dylan, Richard Strauss, Paul Simon, The Field, The Doors, John Maus, Sun Kil Moon, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Keith Jarrett, Pat Metheny, Josh T. Pearson, Damien Rice, Ray Lamontagne, Mastodon, Pink Floyd, U2, Ryan Adams, Ed Harcourt, Leonard Cohen, Neil Young, Sting, Tom Waits and probably many others I’m forgetting to mention. And of course I’m always on the hunt for new songs and artists to inspire me.
Yeah, I’m a music nerd. But what the hell, I have huge respect for all the great music I’ve been exposed to. And I want to do all I can to ensure that all this greatness finds as many people as possible. These artists are my kin. We are all manifesting the same truth in our music. We are all on the same mission. Some lost their lives earlier than most would have hoped. This being an artist thing is very much like being a warrior. But our battlefield/war is internal.
What sets me apart as an artist is that I really don’t belong to any one specific genre or era of music. My foundation is rhythm & blues mixed with the pop melody sensibilities of The Beatles and modern bands like Coldplay. But I also try to bring the raw anger of Metallica, Nirvana and other “harder” music. I think great art combines the dark and light; hard and soft. Beauty is the name of the game. That’s the highest currency we have as artists and as human beings struggling to make sense of this madness!
I love great musicianship and showmanship. I also love practising my instruments and getting better and better. I don’t want to stagnate as I think many musicians do when they get a little success. Or perhaps I just haven’t had that kind of success yet. I dream of becoming financially free so I can lock myself into a cabin for a year and take all my skills to an even higher level. I’m now 33 and after ten years of duking it out in the trenches and learning the ropes, I really feel like I’m just getting warmed up! I bloom slowly.
I used to dream of Grammy awards and the whole rock star dream. I still do but the most important thing now is just being able to make music and travel the world and exploring the possibilities that this incredible art form has to offer. In fact, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Living the dream. Fully dedicated to the process and open to the fruits of my work. Yet there are still daily demands that have to be met and bullshit errands to run. I’m not doing that well financially. The less I am able to make music during the day, the more insane I feel. Sometimes I get so insane that my energies are drained and I don’t even feel like making music anymore. But somehow I always get back on my feet, knowing that I have gifts to share.
If you want to follow my story more in depth, please join my mailing list and find me on social media. Come to my shows and buy my music. It would mean the world to me.
Markus