I find it very difficult to write you. Many times I try but it all seems and feels so pointless.
I am just so tired of everything and everyone (especially myself). Every xmas i feel more and more exhausted with this world. Less and less energy to build this dream inside my head. All these great songs that nobody has heard. And less and less people to do it with or ask for help or support.
I have tried to find god or whatever that is or means. I think ultimately nature is extremely hostile and wants us all dead to feed life. Even the sun shines and is beautiful but it is a ball of fire that will kill us with absolutely zero mercy. If that is not cruelty, i don’t know what is.
The only thing that keeps me going is the songs. That is the only truth i got.
I suppose some people get some kind of comfort when they hear these kind of things. I get that comfort when I listen to Tom Waits or Coldplay or Sturgill Simpson or Linkin Park’s last album.
I could be the greatest musician who has ever lived because I am the amalgam of all the greatest musicians who ever lived. I really am. But because I am so impulsive and chaotic and have a million identities and am a masterful actor, i am impossible to be around unless someone wants to go insane.
I focus on me and my thoughts because there is nothing else. There are moments where i get curious about others and form temporary relationships and friendships and go to family gatherings and smile and pretend that i am smarter than i am and more successful than i am. Then I go wherever i go with all this shame and thoughts of wanting to disappear keep me up all night.
